sketch of discourses on polyamory & monogamy from “Erotophilia”

A Deeper Look Into the Psychology of Contemplating a Theory

“What did he look for in them? What attracted him to them? Isn’t making love merely an eternal repetition of the same?

Not at all. There is always the small part that is unimaginable. When he saw a woman in her clothes, he could naturally imagine more or less what she would look like naked (his experience as a doctor supplementing his experience as a lover), but between the approximation of the idea and the precision of reality there was a small gap of the unimaginable, and it was this hiatus that gave him no rest. And then, the pursuit of the unimaginable does not stop with revelations of nudity; it goes much further: How would she behave while undressing? What would she say when he made love to her? How would her sighs sound? How would her face distort at the moment of orgasm”

-Milan Kundera; The Unbearable Lightness of Being, p. 199

EMILE’S THOUGHTS

Polyamory,

what does it feel like to me

when I contemplate thee?

On the one hand it feels “free”

like wind or meditating

somewhere with a pleasant breeze

and even as if I were levitating

as I did in a series of recurring dreams

(though as I cultivated the skill to fly

into and through the sky

soaring

((like Aladdin and Jasmine adoring

Each other on their magic carpet rides))

But as if like a fear of success

Causing me to regress

The flying in these dreams always led to fear

of a feeling so continually fear

deeper and deeper into new frontiers

as if some demonic force in an effort to scare

 said how dare you feel like some sort of pioneer

and the demon would make the bliss and adventure disappear…)

but I also note that a thing,

whatever pleasure one thinks a given thing might bring

is not as it seems

and may not resemble how it plays out in one’s erotic dreams

and what does “free” really even mean?

It is physics that fixes the laws

 of the perennial, meandering, braided stream

(Interesting geological question arose here. In my initial research on types of streams–which I undertook as an effort to improve my inclusion of more concrete and specific, detailed images—I was not sure if a stream could be both meandering and braided because all I was finding was examples of streams being one or the other. But as a challenge to this geographical “binary” ((?))  I came across the article “Is Braided vs. Meandering a Valid Distinction?” by John Holbrook of Texas Christian University and Sarah Allen of Chesapeake Energy http://www.searchanddiscovery.com/abstracts/html/2019/ace2019/abstracts/2266.html)

Yeah, it is physics that fixes the laws

Of the perennial, meandering, braided stream

Of all that is in this mysterious universe’s scheme

But one consideration that redeems

My locus of control and experience

Of at least some sense of choice

Like what noise

I wish to make

When, towards orgasm, I begin to shake

(some women admit they fake

The noise

they make with their boy toys

a fear I’ve often had which so annoys me…)

isn’t that all “feeling free”

seems to be?

So to quote Jason Isbell

Because his words express well

What I want to tell

–“something more than free”—

Expanded consciousness

Resulting from a further examined wish?

I thought “I want to kiss that lady”

Who was a lady I wasn’t “with”

Another lady and I, we are “exclusive”

And HERE

 comes the GUILT

That WILTS

 my self esteem

Cut by the fleam

Of my super confused superego

Bloodletting

(in the form of upsetting and regretting

When I’d rather be forgetting)

a possibly blasphemed dream of pleasure

which if turned real my love would deem obscene

unclean,

Mean.

But –truly– would I?

Am I biased by my piousness?
If so, what might be fogging my judgement?

Why am I so reluctant

To desist with this discussion

And either let it lead me to something

new or to say polyamory is nothing I want to do?

In my fantasy

Polyamory

Seems like people in triumphant

States of compersion

In the nightmare version

It’s  an adjustment I regret

Not just her jealousy

But the irony

of the second she met him

at the gym while talking a swim

their innocent attraction

led to chatty interaction

about monogamy

and how my apologies to her

for sharing my desires

were not enough for what she requires.

What do I do

with these thoughts and feelings I’ve acquired–

to so adore exploring the unique beauty

of the personality of each woman’s sexuality

…of each woman whose mentality, morality, and spirituality

Attracted and was attracted to my own

…every time so mind blown

to be shown

such exotic places within such connected souls

oh, how it consoles…

and yet

I still feel depressed

By the prospect

That somehow all my thoughts and feelings

arose as an act of disrespect

and should I ask if we can still make this work

that I’ll stop being such a jerk

she’ll say she doesn’t have any passion for me left…

But would if she could accept

the idea that each of us slept

With other people sometimes

And still be one another’s sacred rhymes?

That it crosses my mind

 isn’t a crime

though the honesty could lead to pain

from which… what is their to gain?

That we come to know each other with greater depth

Is shedding an old paradigm wrong just because we wept

Like a convert who cried when she left

The church

Or the scientist who noted that it hurt

When his interpretation was proven wrong

Despite research he’d been conducting for so long

When the Beatles broke up to write their own songs…?

ALYOSHA, ON MONOGAMY:

What is a sexual desire worth–

When one knows it is not the entire Earth?

Let alone the great big universe!

How much potential hurt

Weighed against feeling as though you’ll burst

If you don’t address the dry dizzying dearth

Of sex, which we note is not the same as love

but perhaps when it feels like you don’t get enough

of one or the other

from the one—let us call– your lover…

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